Nightmares
by iEvenstarEstel
Summary: Forever haunted by his past, Connor can't keep the nightmares at bay. Set in the Triptychverse.


Nightmares  
>2011 Evenstar Estel<p>

Abby had wakened because her right side had grown cold. After years of having a man sleeping on either side of her, she knew instinctively when one of them was missing. She rolled to her side, holding her six months pregnant belly. She felt the empty space where her older Connor slept. It was cold. Now that she was awake, she had to get up. At this stage in her pregnancy the weight of the baby was heavy enough to bother her bladder.

She hauled herself up and padded her way to the bathroom. She emerged a short while later and scanned the darkened flat for her husband. He was sat naked in the armchair nearest to the window. They often went without clothing within their home, especially for sleep - there was a vulnerability and trust that went along with it. Abby moved silently towards him, stopping when she stood before him. He looked up at her, his expression blank. He looked over her nude body, lingering first on her breasts, larger since she'd become pregnant, then to her swollen belly. Connor joked that she was carrying a football as her stomach looked the right size and shape. Abby rubbed her hand over the expanse.

"Just stand there for a moment, would you?" he asked gruffly. Abby didn't move and watched him. He stared intensely at her stomach. She wasn't the least bit uncomfortable under his scrutiny, but she was concerned for him. He was prone to bouts of severe depression and it sometimes took a lot of work to get him out of them. She wasn't sure how much time had passed, maybe as long as ten minutes, before he opened his arms to her. Abby sat herself in his lap and pulled her legs up. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face at her neck to inhale deeply. "Don't think you've ever looked more beautiful than you do right now, Abby."

"Come back to bed, won't you?"

"You go on love, you need your rest."

"Can't you sleep?"

"Not for the time being."

Abby new the last thing he wanted was for her to go. In all likelihood he'd had another nightmare. He still had them often, even after all his years in this dimension. "Then I'd rather stay." She relaxed against him and his hand strayed to her abdomen. He splayed it out over her bump.

"How is she?" He asked the same question several times a day. Abby knew his fears. She and Connor didn't share them. He was so used to thinking that what he loved would be taken from him that the worry that the daughter they were having wouldn't survive till birth consumed him. It was irrational and illogical and he knew it, but it didn't keep his nightmares at bay. Abby lay her hand over his and guided it lower. She watched his face and a smile slowly appeared upon it. The baby's feet were pushing against his hand.

"She's been sleeping on and off all night, plenty active."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, of course. She's fine, I promise. Listen, why don't we do another ultrasound tomorrow at the ARC? The machine's just idle there in the menagerie."

"I'd like that."

Abby toyed with his hair and nuzzled his neck. "What's keeping you up?"

"Just a bad dream." He turned and kissed her forehead.

"Tell me?"

"It's not one you need to hear about, trust me."

"Yes, I do, Connor. It doesn't matter how terrible or gruesome it was. I need you to tell me or Connor. Was it about your world?"

"Yeah, about... I mean... about her..."

"Your first Abby? It's okay. Nothing to do with her will ever bother or upset me. She loved you and for that I love her too."

"I killed the man who tried to rape her. I beat him to death with my bare hands. I dreamt about that and what lead to it." He let go of her, expecting her to recoil or flee from him. The hands that touched and caressed her so intimately had been used to take a human life. Abby did neither, but instead brought his hand back to the spot where their daughter was still kicking from within her mother. Abby tucked her head under his chin and snuggled into the warmth of his body. His other arm came back to her shoulders and he gave her a tight squeeze. "We transformed the ARC into a sort of compound and if survivors made it to our door we didn't turn them away. My men were honourable, trained and they were the peacekeepers and the protectors. Abbs walked around like she was in charge of the place!" He laughed humourlessly. "Truth be told, she was. Everyone took orders from her. She ran a tight ship, kept us going, kept things organized. She gave hope to those who had none, especially me. She was the _mum_ of the camp, really."

"She sounds amazing."

"She was. There were some bad elements among the group. Street thugs, really. We kept them in line. But when the world's gone to hell and men have no control over their own lives, they get desperate and want to have power over something. They'd harassed her plenty, but she'd always put them in their place. One in particular resented her. I knew I had to keep a close eye on him and a few of his friends. There was an emergency, some Future Predators had breached one of our outer walls. I went to deal with it, but Abby stayed behind. Eva and her sisters weren't yet a year old, not fully trained, still small, they couldn't help her. Eva, she loved Abby as a mum and she was smart, knew Abby needed help and came to find me. Thank god I trusted that mutt. They'd cornered her, trapped her alone. Two of his friends looked out while he and another..." His voice fell away and he choked on a sob. Abby stroked his face and their baby continued to kick under their palms.

He composed himself and after a time, continued the horror story he'd relieved first in his dreams and now as he shared it with her. "I didn't think, I just shot the two lookouts. I could hear her screaming and crying, I thought he was already... anyways, one came running and I shot him too, but I was out of bullets after that. He had her shirt off and was fighting to get her trousers down. He didn't even know I was there or that I'd shot the other three. Neither did she. They'd beat her pretty badly, but judging by the looks of them she'd put up one hell of a fight. I got him off her and then... I just lost my mind.

I kept hitting him and slamming his head against the concrete. He was long dead before Stephen pulled me off him. I crawled over to Abby, we were both shattered. Stephen threw the bastard's body over the wall and the predators ate him whole in minutes. The other three had lived. Stephen said it was up to me and Abby what we did with them. She was in a state for a while, so I made the decision to turn them out. I doubt they lasted the day. When you think about it, I've killed four people. Sometimes I dream about all that, or seeing my Abby beaten and about to be violated. And I see myself killing that man. I'll not sleep tonight."

"Did she get better?"

"Yeah, she did. Once the cuts n' bruises faded. Stephen took charge on his own for a few days after that. Abbs n' I stayed in our room. She slept most of the time, had a few nightmares herself and I did me best to comfort her. Can you believe that after what she'd been through she asked me to make love to her?"

"Yes, I can. You make me feel so loved and so safe. It's what she'd needed to feel in order to heal. Connor, you mustn't ever keep such things to yourself. You aren't alone anymore."

"There's more, love."

"I'm listening."

"It was after that Abby decided to go ahead with the - god I hate even speaking the word - she asked to be sterilized. All the other women had done it, not that there were many left. Before her attack, she n' I used to lay awake at night and talk sometimes. She'd daydream and tell me about the future we were going to have once we found a way to rid the world of the Future Predators. Mostly she talked about us having children. She was like you, not really sure she wanted them, until one day she sort of, I guess, really thought about it and then she knew she did want them after all. The worse the world outside got, the more elaborate her stories grew. We'd find a nice village somewhere, have half a dozen little Temples and just be at peace. It hurt like hell to hear her talk about her hopes n' dreams, knowing she'd never get to have them, but I never told her to stop, couldn't ever take that from her. But after the attack, she decided it was for the best. She n' I were careful, but if... if... she told me she'd not have been able to endure having another man's baby, especially if it had resulted from a rape. She told me that it was the right choice. We couldn't bring a child into hell, no matter how much we wanted it and would've loved it.

She regretted it the moment she'd had the shot. I saw it in her eyes. Part of her died in that moment. She spent the whole night sobbing in my arms begging me to forgive her for taking the choice away from me, from us. I knew then that I'd lost her. She'd given up, she'd no hope left in her. When we were alone together, when we made love, I think she was okay, just for a bit. When she died, I felt... relief, I think. I was devastated of course, broken, wanted to join her, but she was free. She could go on to another place, not have to suffer, not have to see death at every corner. After she was gone, I switched off. I slept, ate and did my job. Stephen could bring me out of it from time to time, we were good friends and lovers too sometimes, as you know. But, I was just a body; I died with Abby. Until I met you of course."

Abby couldn't think of what to say to him. He still suffered, no matter what she and Connor did. She prayed that once he held their daughter in his arms, heard her first cries, he'd be able to move forwards instead of gripping so tightly to the past. The baby shifted inside her and settled. Abby sighed and patted his hand. "She's fallen asleep, I think," Abby whispered.

Eye Patch sniffed loudly and wiped the tears from his eyes. He felt exhausted now, utterly drained.

"What do you need?" Abby asked.

"I... I think I want... I think I want Connor," he finally said. "I'm sorry, I didn't meant to say that you're not..."

"Hush, love. I understand. He's not like you and me, is he? He's not got the same scars as we do. The kind you can't see. That's part of what we love about him. He's still got this purity we lost somewhere along the way. There's solace in that." Abby rose and took his hand, pulling him up with her.

"He's the better man."

"No, not better, just different. My Connors are both honourable, kind men and I love you both. And our daughter is lucky to have you for her fathers. Try not to think of the dark things, even though they're there, just picture holding our daughter when she's born, her little hand grasping your finger. She'll make everything right, I promise."

Eye Patch said nothing, but followed after her as she led him back to bed. She encouraged him to take her spot in the middle and as soon as he was under the covers, he impulsively threw himself upon Connor. The younger man was jolted awake and found himself with Eye Patch's head upon his chest and his arm and leg over him. His husband was trembling and clinging to him desperately.

"Hey, what's this?" Connor asked groggily. He looked to Abby and without speaking a word, she made him understand enough to know what he ought to do. Connor enfolded the other man in his arms and kissed the top of his head. Eye Patch cleaved to Connor and continued to shake. "Love, whatever it is, I've got you, okay?"

Eye Patch nodded and sniffled, then buried his face against Connor's bare chest. Abby joined them in bed and molded herself to Eye Patch's back, placing her hand on his ribs. "We both do," she spoke, caressing him. He still said nothing. Time passed and the other two eventually fell back asleep, still holding fast to him. Sleep wouldn't come to him for hours yet and he accepted that. He'd sleep the day away because of it, but there was no help for it. Eye Patch closed his eyes and tried to do what Abby told him to. He pictured their daughter as he imagined her to be. He imagined the three of them holding her, caring for her and rejoicing in her. He held on to the daydream as best he could and forced the darkness of his past behind him. Tomorrow was a new day. He promised himself to welcome it and revel in every moment with his family with joy and optimism. It was easier said than done of course, but he'd try. He'd always try.

The End


End file.
